Posts Tagged: 4th of July

A Happy 4th From HartLife

From the Desk of Vice President Davenport, Director of Human Resources
To: All Policies
Re: HartLife Day

As I am sure you are well aware, today is HartLife Day, the day when we commemorate the funding of this fair city of ours. However, in the past few years, several troubling traditions and misconceptions have sprung up, which according to some arcane statutes it is my responsibility as Director of Human Resources to dispel.

Firstly, it has come to our attention that many of you go around informing people that the city was not actually funded on this day. While this is technically so, we ask that you refrain from correcting your family and friends who are blissfully ignorant. No doubt they already know exactly how much you paid attention in school.

The reason we pay tribute to the funding of HartLife on this day is strictly because it is convenient to do so, as it does come between Director Day, when you honor those in stations above yours and Mole Day, when we celebrate the creation of the molepeople and human independence from menial tasks. There is NO OTHER REASON. Any rumors to the contrary, any tales of the company usurping an existing holiday for it’s own ends are clearly the lies of anarchists and young people As if there is a difference.

Second, regarding proper celebratory etiquette, I am aware that it has become something of a tradition to spend today charring black market “solid foods” before venturing up to the lightning rigs for the riggers annual sky explosive display. Allow me to correct your mistaken belief in this tradition by saying that NEITHER of these practices are company endorse and therefore should be avoided. Anyone caught with either illicit gunpowder devices or contraband foodstuffs will be labeled a provocateur and scheduled for reeducation.

For those of you rightly wondering how best to spend the day, you can best honor the company that gives you everything you need by giving it a good days work at half your usual pay.

Finally, anyone seeking to use this day to celebrate, commemorate, honor, or remember the founding, independence, or establishment of any other group, society, civilization, or system of government should fill out the necessary forms to apply for special holiday permits. Please submit them in person to Agent Chamberlain at the Department of M.U.R.D.E.R.

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings that might have existed, and as I am a very busy man, am sure that they will not continue. Please have a productive and safe, but mostly productive HartLife Day.

Vice President Davenport
Director of Human Resources