As per congressional order the following are expert recommendations based on current models of rising global temperatures should they result in a more catastrophic climate change event. They are only for the eyes of the Congressional Subcommittee on Climate Change and Future Corn Subsidies as well as the President and his science advisors.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Inland Sea, also called the Western Interior Seaway, our continent was once split in two by a body of water stretching from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico. This was during another period of warm temperatures and no polar ice caps: the Cretaceous Period, or time of Noah’s Flood as I have been instructed to include by Congressional mandate. Now with water levels rising it is possible that this waterway will once again reopen and the heartland of America will find itself submerged. To present this eventuality, I recommend through a coordinated effort with both Canada and Mexico, a series of flood walls and levies be built on the coastlines of the Northwest Territories, Manitoba, Ontario, Texas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Florida, Alabama, Georgia, parts of South Carolina, all of eastern Mexico, as well as the coastlines of Guerrero, Oaxaca, and Chiaras. Though still under review by the Congressional Budget Office, I estimate the entire project to cost no less than fifteen trillion dollars. As a cost-effective alternative, I recommend simply evacuating the affected states. As those most in danger are the sparsely populated desert and agrarian states, I don’t expect much loss of revenue.
Of course if we assume, and rightly I think we should, that the Inland Sea will return, we must also assume that it will bring with it some of its former denizens. While most could merely be dismissed as invasive species and fished with impunity, one possible, even probable would pose a potential danger to human life: the giant mosasaur. These marine reptiles were quite possibly the fiercest predators water has ever seen. Often referred to as the T-Rexes of the sea, they could grow up to fifty-six feet long and were known to eat anything they could catch including fish, early birds, sharks, and even smaller mosasaurs. Now some of you may be thinking that with these creatures extinct from the fossil record or as I’m congressionally mandated to include, jokes that God played on biologists, it is unlikely that they should reemerge alongside their habitat. To that, I would point out that the coelocanth was once believed to be extinct only to be caught off the coast of Africa. Also, there is the possibility if no specific individuals exist, that present day animals such as alligators or monitor lizards could evolve/be intelligently designed to fill the role of giant apex predator similar in design to a mosasaur. Not to mention the possibility of manipulation by misguided individuals with access to advanced scientific knowledge and equipment, which going forward I feel we should restrict to the most deserving and trustworthy individuals. In fact, I believe this scenario so likely that I am including it in this report as a clear and present danger to future American lives.
According to my expert analysis, I find there is only one possible way to prevent the rise of giant marine reptiles terrorizing our impending inland sea, and that is to reduce their potential food supply. Predators of that size will either require large amounts of prey species on which to feed or large prey species. Quantity or quality. As, with Kansas and Nebraska underwater, decreasing the quantity of fish would impact a now essential food supply, we should focus our attentions on the latter. To this end, I am calling for congress to lift the ban on whale and dolphin hunting. As the largest, and most probable food source for a fifty foot aquatic predator the continued existence of whales, specifically the sperm whale, serves as a clear and present danger to our future security, and as such must be eliminated. Believe me when I say that I regret this action, but my figures do not lie and this is the only way to prevent the future consumption of American sailors.