Classic Molepeople Recipes!

Frank Sjodin, writer for Season One of Our Fair City and actor for Seasons One and Two (Andrew Snidge), brings us classic Molepeople recipes from the HartLife CookManual.

[Nota Bene: the staff of Our Fair City do not recommend you attempt the creation of ANY of these recipes at home.  Creatures have been specially genetically engineered to create and consume these culinary delights.]

Wormgetti and Peatballs

A classic staple meal for any mole family, wormgetti made from leftover live earthworms is the best way to stretch a worm (physically and figuratively!) into another meal. You can also use store-bought wormgetti if your workstation happen to be high enough ranking to have a grocery store!

Classic Wormgetti

Traditional wormgetti is made from live earthworms, flattened with a rolling pin and vacuum sealed (or laminated). Remember, after flattening the worm, it will fight to regain its original diameter quickly if it survives the flattening process. Some chefs use a greased hot iron press to flatten the worms, but this sometimes chars the worm to the iron press, and always adds an unnecessary level of oil that although increasing the caloric value of the worm, dilutes the pure, effervescent earthworm flavor that the distinguished mole will crave.

A proper strength vacuum sealer will actually suck most of the moisture out of your worms, which will allow them to wrinkle into wormgetti after a few days, especially if stored in a warm place. This moisture collected is called “worm-juice,” naturally, and should be saved as it is a vital ingredient for many sauces, soups, and salad dressings. Laminating worms doesn’t always remove all of the moisture, and on top of that makes it nearly impossible to collect the worm-juice, but some office-moles swear by it for the unique essence of plastic it infuses wormgetti with.

When 3-7 days have passed, inspect your worms and if they appear yellowish and wrinkled, your wormgetti is ready! Fry it in a shallow pan of water, and it will absorb enough of the water to be digested properly, but have a pleasingly chewy texture in contrast to the wriggling and ooze popping of a live worm.

Peatballs ala Hartford

Peatballs are a delicacy originally available only to tunnel diggers who happened to find moss growing near underground rivers. Today, thanks to an incomplete mansion half paid for and abandoned by the Gilmore family, a public mossfarm exists for the sole purpose of growing edible moss for mole consumption. A true peatball is made only from the roots of the moss, but if you’re on a budget you can use the greens as well, if you haven’t already served them as salad.

Ingredients

2 clawfuls of moss-root

½ mouthful of worm-juice

¼ mouthful of the chef’s saliva per peatball

 

The process is fairly simple, though the chef should be certain to wash his claws and brush his teeth before beginning. First put the moss-root and worm-juice into a clean bowl, and mash the roots to the bottom. Let the mixture sit for a minute so that the roots soak up as much liquid as possible, then scoop out about ¼ to ½ a clawful of root and roll it into a ball, manually adding saliva as necessary. When the mixture is gooey enough to hold a ball shape, crush it together as hard as possible and roll it into a kiln while it is still compressed. It may decompress a little while baking, but don’t let it stay in the heat for more than 20 seconds or it may ignite and turn into an ash-ball. Once you get it out, roll it right onto your wormgetti, add a drop of worm-juice or a dash of salt and crushed bug to taste and your meal is ready to serve!

 

Night-crawler Pudding

Every mole knows that night crawlers are the fattest, sweetest, and most protein rich worms out there, but some children dislike the overzealous and futile escape attempts that night-crawlers always seem to make from your mouth. Night-crawler pudding is easy to make, delicious, and although the adult palette will likely prefer live night-crawlers, Night-crawler pudding is a wonderful alternative to dead night-crawlers that the whole family can enjoy!

5 parts night-crawlers

1 part water

1 part HartLife Mole-grade protein powder

1 part chef’s saliva

 

First, mash the night-crawlers before starting to bring the water to a boil. A master dessert chef will do this in his own mouth in lieu of measuring the saliva, in order to save time while boiling the water. When a boil is reached, first add the protein powder and stir until dissolved. Then add night-crawlers and saliva, stir vigorously, lower heat and reduce to about 2/3 original volume. At this point stop stirring and turn the heat back to high for 1-10 minutes (variable by volume) and let it reduce a little more (experts will say 10%). Then remove from the heat and pour into your heart-shaped HartLife pudding mold, and let cool over 6-12 hours. Best served chilled.

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